Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.