[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
podcasts
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*lint rolls you awake*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.