[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.