My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*