*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
You Might Also Like
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
tell em, edith-anne
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425