@VerifiedDrunk: God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@pleatedjeans: [tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission] Houston we have a problem I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
@jakob_huber: Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
@Smooheed: 'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"