@VerifiedDrunk: God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
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@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
@KeetPotato: reporter: "what inspired your theory of gravity" isaac newton: "i fell off the toil-" agent: [leans into mic] "an apple hit him on the head"
@Audenary: LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. TWITTER: No.
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day...it may be time to trim things up a bit.