@VerifiedDrunk: God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
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@ZachXJ: Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."
@stephenjmolloy: Devil worshipper leader: "Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon." Stan: "Hey there."