*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
bury ourselves
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
We have a winner.