@VerifiedDrunk: God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
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@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
@Diversion50: I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades. Everyone just kept yelling, "HOW MANY WORDS?" and "IS IT THE EXORCIST?".
@SteveSuckington: [bleeding out] ER Doctor: do you know your blood type? ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
@GrantTanaka: black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow