GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Haha good job!!
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.