GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*