God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
You Might Also Like
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”