GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My inexpensive home security system…
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
What is going on? 😅
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.