No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You Might Also Like
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
That’s classic.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)