Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.