I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement