[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I am crying
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain