[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
こいつ天才
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Oops I deleted….
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no