How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
This anagram machine is out of order.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off