[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
won’t smith
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
S O O N
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me