God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.