So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*