God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.