God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*