God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
2022 will be better than 2021
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?