Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Not today.. 😂
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm