god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
You Might Also Like
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.