God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.