God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover