EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
You Might Also Like
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw