I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.