[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
You Might Also Like
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
These are my roll models.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation