Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
What even happened today?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.