God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You Might Also Like
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Breaking news:
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
There鈥檚 a crying baby on every flight I鈥檓 on and it鈥檚 always me
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he鈥檚 a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn鈥檛 teeth
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Cheer up.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.