I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
You Might Also Like
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
(Electricians.)
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.