Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Said the murderer.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point