God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks