doing some research
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?