The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
🤣😂🤣
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
How dude HOW?!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.