GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.