GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
â ¸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”