And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
You Might Also Like
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.