God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The answer is funnier than the question
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.