God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
house sitting!
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake