[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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Not messing around
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I saw this ending much differently.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.