God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Yes my dude
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors