All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Lol.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If only.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”