Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.