god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You Might Also Like
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.