God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
You Might Also Like
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
channeling her this year
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.