God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.