gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Where is your GOD now????
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.