Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.